Happy birthdays in the last couple of days to my homegirl colbyucb and charisma! Also John is apparently 50 now WHAT.

I made a mix of happy songs. Let me know if you want it, or any of the other ones I've made.

( happy mix )

Ok, so we are definitely getting the fab place. Yay!! We went over today to drop off our applications and fees and he said that since my mom is co-signing all we have to do is not have a criminal record, which of course we don't, so everything will be ok and we'll be all ready to sign the lease in about a week when they've finished all the background check stuff. EXCITING. But yeh if we're covering so much of the rent we're going to have pretty much no money left for going to shows, going out to eat, or otherwise doing anything fun, so we both need to definitely be applying to stuff like crazy. Staying at Goodwill is definitely not an option any longer than necessary, no matter how much fun books is.

And happy birthdays lately to kizofieva, falcons_honour, magicalspirit, mmmyes749, lorraineb, photocopyme, fire_my_spirit, silver_etoile, gwionfawyr, misskelleen, mrsnoggle, and dbrycegh! (Yeh I really need to not get so behind on that.)

First the bad news: Chris didn't get the job. We have no idea WHAT happened. Right up until the other day they were telling him we really like you, you're the front-runner, we want to hire you, you have nothing to worry about, we're just working out the final details with corporate, and then all of a sudden today they said corporate told them to hire somebody else. The recruiter who set it up said it was really hard not to yell at them when they told him because he was so sure he was getting it too. They even said Chris is the technically superior one! Chris figures the guy they hired must have had some kind of connection--the recruiter said there isn't anything he did wrong. We are really upset, and the recruiter feels really bad so he said Chris will be the first one up for all the other jobs he finds. He also says he knows somebody at one of the other places Chris has applied so he's going to try to get that going. And I'm still looking for something better too. In the meantime Chris has dropped his resume off at some computer repair places and is doing a lot of tutoring (he even just got a raise in the amount he'll be getting per hour).

Now the good news: we think we've found a place! Today we saw a very nice one bedroom in Capitol Hill, and it's even closer to shops, restaurants etc. than our place here (there's a lot of stuff right on the street!). It has hardwood floors (Pergo!) and a dishwasher and garbage disposal, and we met the managers (husband and wife) and they were very nice and even have a kitty Ariel could have play-dates with. It's $845 and we should be able to pay at least half of that since we can use Chris's tutoring/freelance web stuff money for groceries and stuff (my mom said she could let us borrow some money for a bit longer). We're going to go over and put in our applications tomorrow morning and are really hoping we'll get it. We saw another place today which was somewhat bigger but was kind of sketchy/not as well kept up, no garbage disposal or dishwasher, and not close to anything but bars, so we figure we'd rather have somewhere a little smaller in a cool neighborhood, and I think we can make that one work--it's still a lot bigger than where we are now. They also have storage units in the basement if we need a little more room. And we can start moving in as soon as they approve us and get the rest of the month for free so we don't have to worry about having to do everything in one day.

They got back to Chris re: the job today, to ask him if he would accept less money. He was already below what the guys who interviewed him and the recruiter that set it up said he should ask for, but he went a little lower, which would still be 150% more than what I'm making. They will presumably, hopefully be getting back to him with the decision tomorrow, and we're both really really hoping that they'll still give it to him and not say he's still asking for too much money and that's it.

As for my job, things are pretty sweet since I moved over to books. It's a lot of fun actually. It almost makes me want to stay. Almost. But it seems like the big pluses (being around books and actually having some fun, liking the people I work with for the most part, being able to find cool stuff including so many books OMG) are not really enough to make up for the crap pay and hours. So I'm still looking for something else, I'm not totally sure though.

I do get kind of depressed the same way as when I shelved at Barnes and Noble though, as in the good books/absolute garbage ratio is way, way off. I mean, we have an entire shelf of Tom Clancy, an entire shelf of John Grisham (full disclosure: I went through a phase when I read a lot of John Grisham when I was like 13, which is about the intellectual level it's on), stacks and stacks of Danielle Steel, trashy thrillers, etc etc. I mean I understand reading as escapism and all that and it's fine to read stuff like that once in awhile but judging from the volume we get in it's all a lot of people are reading, and that's just sad. I'm not going to judge anybody but...you know what? Actually I am. I have an English degree goddammit; I'm entitled.

I guess I can't really criticize too much because...ok this is embarrassing y'all but some of the romance novels are starting to look pretty good. I actually bought one the other day. Ok shut up. Not one of the cheesy bodice ripper half naked woman and Fabio guy on the cover ones ok, more on the chick lit side of things it looks like. SO EMBARRASSING. But it's about a librarian, come on!

I'm also buying a million wedding books and thinking about it all the time. I'M TURNING INTO A HOUSEWIFE YOU GUYS HELP. No actually I can't wait to be a full-time writer/stay-at-home mom/homemaker and I would totally do it now if we could afford it. And I used to always be ashamed of that and not want to tell people but you know what? Fuck people. There's nothing to be ashamed of about that. Who says you can only make a contribution to the world if you're at work all day?

We're having to move into serious moving mode now that we have less than a month to go. Chris is going to set up some appointments for us to check out apartments on Sun.-Mon. (my days off) and I'm trying to get into the preliminary packing, all of which is kind of overwhelming/stressful but oh man being somewhere that is not a grand a month and actually has space will be so, so good. We're mostly looking at Capitol Hill, Fremont, and Queen Anne, for those of you familiar with Seattle.

Bad news on the Roxy front. I took her in to get the wheel and alignment fixed a couple of days ago and they said the frame underneath is all bent up and they can't fix either of those until that's fixed which is $300-800 just for parts, apparently. I'm taking her in somewhere again tomorrow morning but my mom is basically doing the "we have to consider the value of the car and can't do the repairs if they're too expensive" thing and I'm starting to get really worried! My baby!

So if the unthinkable happens and I do have to get a car, I'm trying to think about what to get. I would love to get an old Bug or Mustang or something, and my dad has even offered to give me our old VW bus, but I don't know how to drive stick. I would love to get another Saturn because Roxy has always been very reliable but I'm also really in love with the Mini Coopers. They're so cute. On the other hand they're not very practical for lugging kids around once we have them, but on the other other hand by the time we have more than the 2 we could put in the backseat Chris will be pulling in the big bucks so I'm sure we would have a minivan (ha!) or whatever too. So I don't know.

Also I really really reaaaaaaaaaally want to have my sewing machine NOW. I have the one I really want all picked out but it's $200 which really isn't that much especially when Chris gets this job (there are ones that are like a grand!) but he and my mom are all "oh, you should just get a used one that's really cheap/free on eBay/Craigslist/Freecycle/at your work" but I don't know if I can trust those ones. I would rather have one that I'm sure everything on it works right, it comes with the manual and has some decent features, etc. You know? But my mom says it would be better to just get the cheap one and figure out what I really want in machine and get a new one later. But I really want the one I have picked out!

Poll #1411346 So many questions...
Open to: Friends, detailed results viewable to: All

If I find a better job...

If I have to get a new car...

When I get my sewing machine...

EDIT: Oh man I just found a website that's selling the machine I want (new) for $109 with free shipping and a warranty. That's about how much the halfway decent ones I could find on eBay were when you include the like $30 shipping. I think I have to buy less crap at work and be all over that shit.

GOOD NEWS YOU GUYS

CHRIS HAS A JOB

Well, he almost definitely does anyway. A programming and web design for an on-line e-mail client thing. They said he's the front-runner and they're done with interviews soooo...unless something really weird happens he is pretty much in. They're supposed to let him know for sure by the end of the week. They said it might be a contract thing for a few months at first but then if they like him they'll make it permanent and I'm sure they will cos he's really really good.

Oh man we are both sooooooo excited and happy and relieved. He'll be making like 3 times what I am which will cover all of our rent and bills and everything and then I'll be able to use my whole paycheck on paying off my debt/spending a bit on fun things/saving.

In other news I didn't get to stay up late enough to see Conan's debut last night so I'll have to do that now, we made a new friend at the JV show who might be able to get us a place in her sweet building in Capitol Hill, I just finished a hilarious book by my friend wowthatisminty that you should all check out, for serious, and now I'm reading Go Ask Alice which is pretty hilarious (see the Snopes page about why it's totally fake), and I am hella behind on reading my friends page/answering comments and I'm very sorry about that but between working/apartment hunting/catching up on swaps and stuff things have just been pretty crazy. But I'm trying to get the time.

1. Zine is done done done and up at my Etsy shop for $3.50 (including shipping). If you prefer you can Paypal it to quinn @ tmbg.org or mail cash/check to me (e-mail me if you need my address). Oh, and it's on NaNo last year; I'm going to do #2 on the hospital cos I don't have all the paperwork yet. You can also add us on Myspace--please do!
2. I get to keep Roxy!! I was really worried my mom was going to say to just junk her but we looked at the report of the damage and really the only things that need to be fixed are the tire and the alignment; everything else is just damage to the body which is ok I guess. The insurance guy kind of scared me cos he was all "Well there could be other stuff wrong inside" but I mean she was driving fine other than those two things so there shouldn't be anything else wrong right? So I'm just going to take her into the dealership up here and have them fix those two things and tell me if anything else is wrong but I don't think there is. And they're giving me like fucking $1,300. SHIT YOU GUYS. I thought they would give me like $300 or something. I have never had this much money at once in my life. And I think the repairs should only cost like $200 or $300 tops, so you know what this means? I CAN GET MY SEWING MACHINE. AND ANOTHER AMERICAN GIRL DOLL. AND A NEW PAIR OF CHUCKS. But other than that I am putting all of it into savings for those times when we don't have quite enough money and need to borrow more from my mom.

Just back from taking my car in to have the insurance guy look at it and he was working out his estimates and he said probably the cost of the repairs is going to be too high relative to the value of the car. MOTHERFUCKER MOTHERFUCKER MOTHERFUCKER. Chris says they have to give you the money for a new car but colbyucb says that's only if you have the full insurance coverage and I don't know if I do. Chris is looking stuff up and says they have to give you "fair market value." And he's finding ones for like a thousand dollars on-line. But I don't want a new car. I love Roxy. She's the only car I've ever had. That MOTHERFUCKER didn't even apologize and now I might not even have my car anymore, and then what? We sure as hell don't have the money for a new car. So we'd just have whatever they're giving us and maybe something from my mom.

Excitement is starting to wear off about getting moved to books. It will be considerably more fun than shoes and probably even more fun than working in an office but I don't think that's enough to make up for being broke all the time, not being able to go to shows or do anything fun on the weekends and getting home so late, etc. So still looking but who knows when the hell I'll find anything else.

Happy birthday today to marcsgen.

(aka, let me be a petty English major bitch for a minute, all right?)
1. Lack of subject/verb agreement: "Our gift cards never expires."
2. Incorrect plurals: "I need a linens tags for $4.99." "All blue tags in the stores are half off."
3. Redundancy: "Please come to the front please."
4. Obviousness: "So-and-so, if you're in the store, please pick up line one."
5. More obviousness: "Furniture carry-out up front, customer is waiting." (Why would you need it if the customer wasn't waiting?)
6. Incorrect emphasizing: "Our blue tags are just 50% off."
7. Shop as a transitive verb: "Gift cards are the newest way to shop our stores." (Ok I looked it up and apparently this is a correct usage but I still think it sounds stupid.)
8. Lack of important detail: "Thank you for shopping." (Not shopping at our store, just shopping in general. Yay consumerism!)
9. More lack of important detail: "It's Tuesday, which is our Manager's Special." (Well our manager doesn't make the days change; Tuesday is our Manager's Special day.)
10. Even more lack of important detail: "Did you know we have 16 other stores in the central and northern Puget Sound?" (Sorry, but unless there are Goodwills underwater that I don't know about, there are 16 other stores in the Puget Sound area.)
11. Sentence fragments: "And Goodwill gift cards, that you can purchase for any amount and never expire." (Not "we have Goodwill gift cards," "remember our Goodwill gift cards," etc.)
12. And finally, my favourite: "You can purchase gift cards for any amount without it expires."

Some other things:
*"Do you work here?" This makes me craaaaaaazy and people do it all the time. No, I'm just wearing a fucking nametag and, you know, working for fun.
*At the collectibles/jewelry counter: "What kind of stone is this/is this real silver/etc." or "Does this thing without a battery work?" How the hell should I know?
*People who get mad when one of a pair of shoes is missing when there's nothing you can fucking do about it
*This one guy who feels the need to make these really bad puns constantly ("I'm going on my break." "Well, I had a pencil, and it broke. That was my break. Then I had a cup of coffee and I dropped it and it broke. That was my coffee break.")
*People who are up making you show them jewelry for like 45 fucking minutes and then don't buy anything
*The fact that they have like 2 days worth of music that just recycles so you have to hear the same songs over and over and over again. If I have to hear "Walk Like a Man," goddamn "Radar Love," anything by Phil Collins, or that fucking "I love the nightlife I've got to boogie" song one more time I swear I am going to go over to where they keep the dishes and just start throwing stuff on the floor.

Have I mentioned that I take forfuckingever to answer comments? So I'm sorry you're getting replies to comments you left in like December, I realize it's pretty lame and I'm really trying to get better about it.

Does anybody want a postcard? Right now I have Baby-Sitters Club ones, American Girl ones, pulpy romance comic ones, kitties in boxes ones, and lots of random ones from Seattle and other places.

Got some good work on the zine done today. Still not done but hopefully can be by tomorrow or the next day. Going out to explore another neighborhood on Thursday and reading Tropic of Cancer which is very good but making me blush every five seconds, shit. Also I got my refund check so between that and the royalties I'm going to be getting from Lulu and the money I have in my savings account already I should have about enough to buy my sewing machine finally, hell yes.

Happy Mommy Day to all the mommies, happy late birthday to batarang & gothic_spire, annnnnd happy birthday BONO!

GUESS WHAT Y'ALL

Today at work they told me they're going to move me over to books as soon as they hire more people in my department. HELL YES. I might have to stick around after all. I mean the hours will still suck and the pay will still suck but the work might actually be fun, what a concept. I told the book lady, A, and she was all excited cos she knows how much I love/know about books. So exciting!

To a certain extent. I believe we make our own choices but there might be things going on that affect the choice-making. I believe things happen for a reason you know? I'm not sure why, I guess just because things have happened in my life enough that way. And I definitely believe in certain people being meant for each other and all that. And that sometimes things don't work out the way we plan.

I finally sent out the mixes I owe people from ages ago, sorry for the delay on that, and I've made a category in memories of the tracklistings for new ones I make, so feel free to review that at any time (it's in the tags too) and request copies of anything. And I am always always up for making just general cool songs mixes, for anyone.

So I'm thinking about listing some more things on Etsy.
Poll #1395588 Business expansion
Open to: Friends, detailed results viewable to: All

I would probably be interested in...

Well, I talked to the insurance company and everything is working out. I'm so relieved--I was really scared the guy was going to try to say it was my fault somehow. They're going to come over to do an inspection and then I can take Roxy into the shop for the repairs which hopefully won't take too long. They're even giving me a rental car.

Saturday Chris and I saw (in Tacoma for some reason) Frank Black's new band with his wife, The Grand Duchy, which was pretty cool. Chris was disappointed that they only played stuff from their album, not any Pixies stuff, but it was still good. Then we had to pull an all-nighter at Denny's cos the bus couldn't get us back until the next morning, which was fun until about the last hour and a half, when we were too tired to even talk.

My copies of the latest novel came the other day and the formatting got all screwed up for some reason--like, page numbers being on the wrong side and chapter headings not being at the top of the page. Not sure how that happened but I'm going to fix it today. Sorry for anyone who's bought copies already.

Today = working on swaps, and hopefully getting things picked up around the apartment and getting at least most of the zine done. I love being productive.

It's Free Comic Book Day! Also, happy birthday today to anwyn_elfmaiden!

The word 'Beltane' is derived from the Irish Gaelic 'Bealtaine' or the Scottish Gaelic 'Bealtuinn', meaning 'Bel-fire', the fire of the Celtic god of light (Bel, Beli or Belinus). He, in turn, may be traced to the Middle Eastern god Baal. Bonfires were often lit for this holiday, and leaping the fire was a custom thought to encourage the crops to grow as high as the leaper could leap the fire. These fires, also called 'need-fires' were thought to have healing properties, thus we have the tradition of 'sky-clad' (naked) witches leaping the fire to ensure protection. Other May Day customs include walking around one's property ('beating the bounds'), repairing fences and boundary markers, processions of chimney-sweeps and milk maids, archery tournaments, morris dances, sword dances, enacting the 'Robin Hood' story, feasting, music, drinking, and maidens bathing their faces in the dew of May morning to retain their youthful beauty.

Perhaps one of the most misunderstood traditions of Beltane is the custom of free sexuality on this night. For a long time after the Christian form of marriage (and it's strict rules of sexual monogomy) had replaced the older customs of handfasting, those strict rules of monogomy were relaxed for the May Eave rites. Called 'greenwood marriages', in which young men and women who spent the night in the forest and brought back boughs of flowers and garlands to decorate the village in the morning, were especially condemned by the Puritans. Many a young woman would come back pregnant from these romps in the woods, and such children were referred to as 'merry be-got'.

The maypole is, of course, one of the great symbols of May Day. It is a part of that fertility symbolism that is so much a part of this holiday. It is most often refered to as a phallic symbol, joined with the Goddess in holy sexuality. These days there are many people who whose sexual path makes them uncomfortable with this imagery, and because of this they choose not to celebrate the maypole. This is too bad, since the maypole is a powerful and moving experience, and is not limited by personal sexuality choices... for instance, one could view the pole as the Tree of Life instead of a phallic symbol. To join ourselves by ribbons of the colors representing different aspects of life to this sacred Tree, one can work just as powerful magick as the other person who views the pole as the more sexual phallic symbol.

The aspect of Goddess represented at Beltane is the Maiden, called Maya, Maia, May or Mai in Northern Europe, Flora in Rome, or Kore in Greece. The God is the grown Son, the Lover, the Green Man. This is the time the Maiden and Lover meet and perform the Great Rite (sacred sexual union) in harmony with the fertile energies of the season. This is the beginning of Summer, of the growing season. Thus what is done on the spiritual plane is echoed on the physical plane.

(from here.)

I'm going to have to wait until I get home from work to do my ritual but ( here are some pictures of my altar. )

I just got in an accident. I was driving to work and some son of a bitch pulled out of his driveway while I was right there and fucking smashed into me. Now my tire is all ripped up and there are chunks missing from the part over the tire and it's all smashed up and dented in. And that's just the stuff I can see (when I scraped into the side of a car that wasn't even moving last year the alignment got all fucked up and had to be fixed). MOTHERFUCKER. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FUCKING LOOK IF IT'S CLEAR BEFORE YOU PULL OUT. My poor baby Roxy. I mean it could be worse and nobody got hurt or anything but jesus. I got all his insurance information, they have to cover it right? It was totally his fault and I think that's obvious. Right? Motherfucker.

i don't give a damn
for the same old played-out scenes
i don't give a damn
for the just in-betweens
honey i want the heart i want the soul i want control right now

<333333

Time and money are both things I'm very low on at the moment but once we're on our feet I'm planning to become a member of NOW, PETA, Amnesty International, Greenpeace, and Planned Parenthood. And I'll definitely do some volunteering when we're to the no-longer-working phase of things. Why, because, um, it's all stuff that's important to me.

All the books now available for download, so check that out if you're ok with not having a physical copy and want to pay less. Enough people seem interested that I'm also going to be doing the printing up the chapbooks myself thing--hopefully people actually will be interested; it seems like a lot more people say they are than actually buy it. Those of you who have bought copies of stuff, I love you forever. Thank you so much. Also! I thought it would be cool if I could put some, you know, review blurbs on them. So if you read the novels and have something cool to say about them let me know. Same for the poetry although if you want it to just be about my poetry in general for that then that's fine. Anyway, it might take me awhile to get to doing that cos I'm having to concentrate on getting the zine issue together first. I will of course keep y'all posted.

The marketing for this stupid Obsessed movie is really pissing me off. Right now on Facebook it's all "Are you obsessed with someone? Send them this free gift!" You know what, Facebook? You know what? I am, and it is no fucking fun. It is no fucking fun and it's not cute and it's not something to joke around about. Fuck you.

Well, I wanted to let you know that the photographs I'm selling on Etsy are now down to $5. And I'll be putting up more of lots of different things but not until I sell at least a couple of these ones. So take a look, please?

Also you might know that I have copies of my first poetry chapbook for sale that I printed myself for sale there, cheaper than the professional ones on Lulu. If I did this for the other two, would people be interested? Or would you rather pay a little more for the professional ones?

Also ladysky61 was asking me about having the novels available for download. Would people be interested in that at all? I know for me it's a big thing to have an actual physical book (things like Kindle baffle me) but it might not be that way for other people.

Poll #1390096 Questions about books
Open to: Friends, detailed results viewable to: All

Would you be interested if I sold self-printed copies of my chapbooks on Etsy?

Would you be interested if I made my novels available as downloads?

You guys. I am soooooooooooo pissed. I went to the American Girl site this morning to find a picture of Samantha for something on Facebook right? And I found out, THEY ARE GOING TO STOP MAKING HER. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK MATTEL. (I guess they're technically calling it "archiving" so theoretically they could start making her again at some point but nobody knows.) They have never stopped making a girl before, and Samantha is one of the original three girls. And she's totally the best one! She's always been my favourite. And I've been planning to buy more stuff for my Samantha. This never would have happened if Pleasant Company hadn't sold out to Mattel. FUCK YOU MATTEL. WAY TO FUCK UP MY CHILDHOOD. Goodbye Samantha, I'll always love you and I'm just glad I got to get you before this bullshit.

But first, happy birthday wishes today to my pal leolapyre! Hope you're having a great one babe.

Ok so we are still kind of insanely broke here, so I have a few things to sell, some clothes (mostly shoes) and a few Kids things. Other things you can do that would be really really appreciated are buying my books and buying a print from my Etsy store (I'll have my new zine up there when it's done as well).

( On to the stuff )

New chapbook of poetry on sale now. Check it totally out and visit frustratednsad to see some of them. I swear they're not all about John. In other news my new therapist is amazing and I'm down to 140/fitting into a size 6. Only 20-25 pounds to go. Went to the hospital to request my medical record and hopefully will be getting it and getting the zine together within the next few days. Feeling a hell of a lot better when I'm busy with this stuff. Springtime in Seattle is gorgeous and sunny and there are daffodils everywhere and we went to see the cherry blossoms. Also I got a Conan swap from geek_chic_swaps, OMG.

Well, my beloved Mr. Lunch address book has to be replaced because Mr. Ariel threw up all over it, and I figured I might as well use this as an excuse to collect addresses. So, if you want to get fun stuff like birthday cards, mixes, postcards, and other randomness, give me your address. (If you know I already have your current one you don't need to give it to me again.) You can also give me any other info you want (birthday, phone number, e-mail address, AIM or Yahoo screenname, etc.) Comments are screened so I'll be the only one who sees them.

Ok, novel is all edited and fixed up and ready to go! So skedaddle over and buy a copy! Please? It's a little pricier than my other one but keep in mind it's almost 300 pages, and you'll be supporting a starving writer and all that. If you'd like copies of the other one or the poetry chapbooks (I'm going to hopefully have the new one of those done by tomorrow) you can go here. And if you're not in the US and so can't order direct from Lulu but you're interested let me know--you can Paypal me the money or something and I'll get a copy for you. And yeh, check out frustratednsad if you want some samples. I'm way too excited about all this. SELF-PUBLISHING FTW.

( And here is an absolutely lovely review of the earlier novel by chu_hi! )

John answers:
"A Self Called Nowhere" (obviously)
"I'm All You Can Think About" (obviously)
"Thunderbird"
"No One Knows My Plan"
"Destination Moon"

Non-John answers:
"Dancing in the Dark" - Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band
"A Sort of Homecoming" - U2
"Poor Poor Pitiful Me" - Warren Zevon
"Autobiography" - Sloan
"Getting Better" - The Beatles

"Song lyrics count"? Are you TRYING to make me think up a million John quotes? Ok, um, actual poetry, so much, I could keep going for a very long time, here are a five.
"Do I contradict myself?/Very well then, I contradict myself,/(I am large, I contain multitudes.)" ~Walt Whitman, "Song of Myself"
"Dying/Is an art, like everything else./I do it exceptionally well." ~Sylvia Plath, "Lady Lazarus"
"The blood jet is poetry/There is no stopping it." ~Sylvia Plath, "Kindness"
"We have lingered in the chambers/of the sea/By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed/red and brown/Till human voices wake us,/and we drown." ~T.S. Eliot, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
"I'm nobody! Who are you?/Are you nobody, too?/Then there's a pair of us — don't tell!/They'd banish us, you know." ~Emily Dickinson

Happy birthdays today to forcedrhyme, jacquelynfisher, & chu_hi, huzzah!

Back at work today. Everybody kept asking me if I "felt ok"--they think I was in the hospital to have an operation or something and the scars all over my arms apparently weren't enough to tip them off that I'm, you know, fucked up. It's funny how little attention people pay to things like that.

Anyway, I'm not cutting at all right now and I'm actually doing a pretty good job of not thinking about John much, most of the time. Right now I'm reading a "love addiction" book and an OCD book (I read OCD stuff and addiction stuff even though neither entirely apply to me cos there are definite parts of them that do and I figure I need all the help I can get) that basically says, well, think of your obsessive thoughts as just being what they are, obsessive thoughts, and remember that they don't actually mean anything and you don't have to pay attention to them. Do you think that would help, if I could just be like "Ok, so I'm obsessed with him, it doesn't mean I have to think about him so much and it doesn't mean I have to be depressed" as opposed to like "OMG I'm in loooove with him"? It also says to just stay busy with other things, things you enjoy, when you're feeling obsessive, which definitely does help me a lot so I'm trying to do that.

I've decided I'm probably not going to read the rest of the Twilight books. The further I get away from the first one the more I realize I don't actually care what happens to the characters. It's the same reason I stopped watching Grey's Anatomy--at a certain point I was just like "Wait a minute, these people are kind of all idiots." Harry Potter, on the other hand, is pretty fabulous. Just finished the third and it was so much fun and I can see how people get so into it. I'm not planning to be all obsessive about it but they are really great to read and I could maaaaybe stand seeing some good fanfic. Oh, and can somebody tell me where there's a really good sorting hat quiz cos dammit I need to know.

Fixing all the stuff I edited in the novel is slow going but it's coming along and I am determined to get it done and ready to go by sometime tomorrow. And looking at it and remembering how amazing it was working on it is making me want to start doing some short stories so I need to come up with some good ideas so I can. And I'm going to be posting some more excerpts over @ frustratednsad so check that out if you are so inclined.

So in spite of me being, you know, crazy, we've had some adventures lately. We went to the Seattle Aquarium a bit ago and a good time was had.

( Pictures. )

You guys, I think I am going to make coffee and stay up way too late typing up the edits to my novel and getting it formatted and ready to go with the printing and it is exciting, YES. Being a Real Writer involves lots of coffee and lots of staying up late so I CAN BE REAL WRITER NAO PLZ. Ok and are there any good places to look for literary journals and such to submit things to?

So behind on birthday greetings, geez, I'm sorry guys. I've just been so wrapped up with my own insanity stuff lately. Ok so happy birthdays for the last few weeks to nspd, 42dirtygirl, kaylum, foil_ok, cosmianaut, arachnid_flame, farmanimalsrock, mesawyou, ishitpinecones, dreamy_bee, midwest_cupcake, guy_smiley, & tomorrow mislih! Yay!

Being home is kind of weird but mostly good I think. It's a little scary being around my razors and everything again and I'm feeling ok now but what about tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day? It seems like I can never stay feeling ok for very long, and usually when I go to the hospital I end up having to go again a few months later (the 3 times in high school were within like 9 months and the two times after that were within like 4 months). I don't know, hopefully if things go well with these new doctors and the meetings and the new meds and stuff it won't happen, and I'm trying to be optimistic, but it's kind of scary.